Grandparents

A friend of mine just became a first time grandparent. Better her than me. Although we are the same age, I am too young to be a grandparent as I am not ready for that responsibility. To be a good grandparent takes introspection, patience, time and for some, a bloody tongue from frequent biting.

Over the years I have given advice to many new parents on how to deal with grandparents. There are many kinds of grandparents. They run the gambit from awful to wonderful. And what makes a good grandparent in one family may be a disaster in another family. So if you are about to have a baby I would suggest you think and discuss between each other and then the grandparents, about what role you want them to play. (And if you already have children and haven't discussed these issues, you might want to think about it.)

Some of the potential topics that I have seen cause problems include:

1. The amount of involvement you want and/or need and from which set of grandparents. There are many types of involvement. In some families, the grandparents breeze in, hold the babies in the hospital and then send gifts on appropriate holidays. In other families, they live in the homes. You, the parents, were raised with different interactions with your own grandparents and have expectations that need discussing. Because what you want may be a fantasy, may be what no one else wants to give or may not be acceptable for your significant other.

2. Advice. We all love to give advice, me included! And grandparents have already raised children, so they have experience and want to pass it on. You might want to set boundaries on this issue right from the beginning. I tell my patients that they are welcome to tell their parents that "Dr. Vicki says to do it this way" if they don't have the fortitude in those first few weeks to stand up to their parents. I'll back them up, even if it's nothing we have discussed, assuming it is at all reasonable. (Yet, there was that grandparent for whom it didn't work. Her answer was: "I don't care what she said - I've raised 3 kids and I know better!") You can let them know that you will come to them as needed, but you are looking forward to the experience of raising your children and they have to remember that you turned out okay.

3. Time. You may have certain baby-sitting needs, particularly if both parents work. They may want to spend more time visiting and hanging around than you want. They may never visit because they want to give you YOUR space and are trying to be sensitive to your wants. So if you need less or more time, you need to speak up. It may not work out perfectly, but if you don't say anything, it definitely won't.

4. Child Raising Techniques and Discipline. I think this one has the potential to cause the most problems. Many of us as children didn't like how our parents disciplined us and swore we would do things differently. And we pediatricians change the advice we give over generations (read different editions of Dr. Spock's Baby Book and you will see what I mean) as well as don't agree among ourselves.

Although this is usually not an issue at birth, it often becomes a generational bone of contention as the child ages. And if your child is going to spend a lot of time with the grandparent, it is difficult for him to have different sets of rules depending on the adult.

So I would suggest addressing this issue before it becomes a major bone of contention.

Grandparents add a richness to a child's life. I do believe there is wisdom that comes with living and they can show and teach children about the world from a different perspective. We have our own issues with our parents which I don't think should color our children's relationships with their grandparents. It's okay if the grandparent "spoils" the child once in awhile. So welcome grandparents into your child's life. And if you are a grandparent reading this, remember, you can't love that grandchild too much!